Now I am not one to brag about my culinary skills but there are a few things that I fix that taste mighty fine. (as long as I can use my George Forman, kinda limiting) But a trick that I would like to share with you ladies is what he does not know does not hurt him.
Mariah just so happens to be a fabulous cook, my mother is one also. So after I had been seeing lets call him Jimmy. (who was in one of those religions that didn't have any holidays and got mad when I bought him a birthday present but that is a whole different story entirely). Now up until this time I had never met a man that I felt the need to cook for. So I get the grand idea to cook for this man. So I ask him what is his favorite meal. Well he gives me a 7 course menu. Which if I was smart I woulda just stopped him right there, but I was a lil dickmatized so I take on the challenge. Well I did not know how to make a damn thing on the menu. So I had my mom make the meatloaf and banana pudding. Had Mariah make three different side dishes. I went to the grocery store and bought already made mashed potatoes, salad, and a bottle of wine. I borrow some fancy dishes and matching silverware got rid of any evidence that might suggest that I did not prepare this wondrous feast and get my man over to the house. And as far as I know he was never the wiser. He thought my pretty lil ass whipped him up all that shit. HAHAHA. I barely lifted a finger and got something real nice in return. Repeat after me ladies what he does not know will not hurt him!
I would also like to let ya'll in on a little sandwich recipe I used to make for my best guy friend all the time before he moved and just let me tell you that he will love me forever for it.
Bret's Supa Dupa Kalupa
Put a lot of mayo on each slice of bread
get some ham and turkey put one on each side
add some salt and pepper
stick a piece of cheese in the middle and smash all that shit together
if he is a good boy you may add some bacon
add some chips, fruit snacks and his drink of choice and he will love you forever!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Mariah's Cheetah Thong Gets Run Over by the John Deere Riding Mower!
Since I'm going to be seeing this bitch in like four months the story of today is dedicated to Mariah. And yes its all true unfortunately.
Before I start off I would like to give everyone in the audience a lil background info on the place I call home. As we have already established I am from hicksville. Population was 12,875 at the last census. I live in a "manufactured home" which is fancy talk for double wide trailer. But don't you fret its not a trailer park. I live in the High Country Estates. Okay so it is a trailer park just with a fancy (albeit stoner) name. I personally think of it as living in a trailerhood. I am such a classy lady.
Anyhow, back to Mariah's panties. This bitch lost every pair of panties she had in her luggage. Which by the way was about a million suitcases. And yes I do live in a double wide but it has 2 bathrooms. So please tell me why every time we had a gathering (fancy word for college party) and she drank 3 Keystones (I told you I was a classy lady) she would pee outside. Maybe the trailerhood brought out some white trash gene that she did not know she had. Now country girls have a lot of practice with peeing outside but I personally have the skills to do it without out taking my panties off....Mariah on the other had would take hers off and shoot them across the yard like a slingshot every time.....amature. 99 times out of 100 her panties were lost to coyotes or some other forces of nature never to be seen again. Except for the night of the lucky cheetah thong. As you know every girl has at least one pair of go-to lucky panties. Mariah is no exception. Here is her story.
One night after drinking some classy wine that you buy in a box we invited a few friends over. One of these friends was the The Most Beautiful Man in the World as Long as He Was Wearing a Hat. Tall, carmel skin, green eyes, and the body of a Greek god. With a lil baldish spot but hey hats were invented for a reason. And he is still a beautiful specimen. At some point I notice Mariah and Mr. Hat are no where to be seen. That lucky bitch. A good thirty minutes later they reemerge threw the front door. "Ummmm where were you?" "Talking on the porch." (classy people always have porches). The night ends and when we wake up we are greeted by Pube Boy. (check story one if you don't already know who that is). "Ummm I came over here to mow the lawn for you guys and I ran over this" And my God strike me down now it PB was not holding in his hands little shredded up pieces of her lucky cheetah panties.......Um Mariah really on the front porch in a trailer park... I have lots of neighbors.....You are now an official card carrying member of the Trailer Trash Club of the South Part of America...We meet on Fridays, bring beer.
Before I start off I would like to give everyone in the audience a lil background info on the place I call home. As we have already established I am from hicksville. Population was 12,875 at the last census. I live in a "manufactured home" which is fancy talk for double wide trailer. But don't you fret its not a trailer park. I live in the High Country Estates. Okay so it is a trailer park just with a fancy (albeit stoner) name. I personally think of it as living in a trailerhood. I am such a classy lady.
Anyhow, back to Mariah's panties. This bitch lost every pair of panties she had in her luggage. Which by the way was about a million suitcases. And yes I do live in a double wide but it has 2 bathrooms. So please tell me why every time we had a gathering (fancy word for college party) and she drank 3 Keystones (I told you I was a classy lady) she would pee outside. Maybe the trailerhood brought out some white trash gene that she did not know she had. Now country girls have a lot of practice with peeing outside but I personally have the skills to do it without out taking my panties off....Mariah on the other had would take hers off and shoot them across the yard like a slingshot every time.....amature. 99 times out of 100 her panties were lost to coyotes or some other forces of nature never to be seen again. Except for the night of the lucky cheetah thong. As you know every girl has at least one pair of go-to lucky panties. Mariah is no exception. Here is her story.
One night after drinking some classy wine that you buy in a box we invited a few friends over. One of these friends was the The Most Beautiful Man in the World as Long as He Was Wearing a Hat. Tall, carmel skin, green eyes, and the body of a Greek god. With a lil baldish spot but hey hats were invented for a reason. And he is still a beautiful specimen. At some point I notice Mariah and Mr. Hat are no where to be seen. That lucky bitch. A good thirty minutes later they reemerge threw the front door. "Ummmm where were you?" "Talking on the porch." (classy people always have porches). The night ends and when we wake up we are greeted by Pube Boy. (check story one if you don't already know who that is). "Ummm I came over here to mow the lawn for you guys and I ran over this" And my God strike me down now it PB was not holding in his hands little shredded up pieces of her lucky cheetah panties.......Um Mariah really on the front porch in a trailer park... I have lots of neighbors.....You are now an official card carrying member of the Trailer Trash Club of the South Part of America...We meet on Fridays, bring beer.
Major Anounncement
I will be taking a vacay over memorial day weekend.......mariah and I back together again....watch out....and back to your regularly scheduled program!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Hot Guy, Plain Jane.
I get into this discussion a lot. Why is that hot guy with that girl? My friends will tell me how hot they, themselves, are which is very true. All my chicas are extremely beautiful. But when the guy they fell in love with after two minutes,a couple of hook ups or worse a long relationship leaves them in the dust for an average looking chick they are left in a state of shock and confusion. They just really don't get it. Well let me break it down for you.
Well guess what average chicks are more freaky and do the things that really beautiful chicks usually won't do. I'm sorry but you pretty girls who have been talking to a guy for six months but won't give him a blow job because you think that it is gross are asking for it. Plain Jane over there can be 15 pounds over weight and have a wonk eye, a slight mustache problem and buy her clothes from Walmart but I bet you she'll do what you won't and be happy about it! She knows that she is not that cute so she makes up for it in other ways ie, motorboating his balls, learning how to give the best blow job he has ever had (google it trust me) , and yes even taking it in the ass (lube is key). Guys think about sex what every 7 seconds and they aren't just thinking about having to make out with you for 2 hours to get into your pants just to get some vanilla missionary heavy on the eye contact. So ladies, please, get over yourselves and get past that but eww its gross attitude. Kink it up a lil bit, and hey make him an occasional sandwich when ya'll are done and take that man back from Plain Jane that I hear you talk so much shit about!
Well guess what average chicks are more freaky and do the things that really beautiful chicks usually won't do. I'm sorry but you pretty girls who have been talking to a guy for six months but won't give him a blow job because you think that it is gross are asking for it. Plain Jane over there can be 15 pounds over weight and have a wonk eye, a slight mustache problem and buy her clothes from Walmart but I bet you she'll do what you won't and be happy about it! She knows that she is not that cute so she makes up for it in other ways ie, motorboating his balls, learning how to give the best blow job he has ever had (google it trust me) , and yes even taking it in the ass (lube is key). Guys think about sex what every 7 seconds and they aren't just thinking about having to make out with you for 2 hours to get into your pants just to get some vanilla missionary heavy on the eye contact. So ladies, please, get over yourselves and get past that but eww its gross attitude. Kink it up a lil bit, and hey make him an occasional sandwich when ya'll are done and take that man back from Plain Jane that I hear you talk so much shit about!
Sexy Gone Wrong!
I have come to realize that no matter how many Cosmo's you read or any advice you get to the contrary you cannot try to be sexy. It does not work. You either are or you aren't. Intentionally trying to be sexy always ends up badly!
1. Taking a shower with a guy is sexy right? Well maybe for most of you it is. He's washing your hair one minute. Just like in the movies. Awwww how sweet. Wait were should I put my hands? Oh I know on the rod that holds up the shower curtain now that will be sexy! WRONG pulling down the shower curtain and landing flat on your ass in the tub is not sexy.Yes you have a great view of his piece you normally don't get but trust me he will be laughing his ass off at you. And you will be on your back crying. And child crying is never sexy.
2. When I was in the 8th grade I got a trampoline and a few years later the first slutty girl in high school hooked up with her boyfriend on it and I always wanted to do something like that....well my fully grown up ass finally got they chance. "Oh hey I wanna show you something".....so i get on the trampoline and crawl towards him on all fours sexy (in my mind anyways) and cat like....yeah till I hit the big ass rip that I didn't see because it was dark and fall threw the canvas and hit my shin on the support beam....again he is laughing and I am crying....see a pattern?
3. Note to the guys...Before you try that new sexy move on your lady think about what could go wrong! I was laying on the bed watching a movie and Rico Suave lifts my right leg and puts it on his shoulder and thinks he is going to be smooth and tickle the back of my leg... sounds sexy enough right....WRONG....He didn't know I was ticklish and in desperate need of a pedicure. Bad combination, when he touched me leg I roundhouse kicked him to the face and scratched him with my over grown toenail! This time he wants to cry and I am laughing.
Moral to the story kids trying to be sexy is bad for your health!
1. Taking a shower with a guy is sexy right? Well maybe for most of you it is. He's washing your hair one minute. Just like in the movies. Awwww how sweet. Wait were should I put my hands? Oh I know on the rod that holds up the shower curtain now that will be sexy! WRONG pulling down the shower curtain and landing flat on your ass in the tub is not sexy.Yes you have a great view of his piece you normally don't get but trust me he will be laughing his ass off at you. And you will be on your back crying. And child crying is never sexy.
2. When I was in the 8th grade I got a trampoline and a few years later the first slutty girl in high school hooked up with her boyfriend on it and I always wanted to do something like that....well my fully grown up ass finally got they chance. "Oh hey I wanna show you something".....so i get on the trampoline and crawl towards him on all fours sexy (in my mind anyways) and cat like....yeah till I hit the big ass rip that I didn't see because it was dark and fall threw the canvas and hit my shin on the support beam....again he is laughing and I am crying....see a pattern?
3. Note to the guys...Before you try that new sexy move on your lady think about what could go wrong! I was laying on the bed watching a movie and Rico Suave lifts my right leg and puts it on his shoulder and thinks he is going to be smooth and tickle the back of my leg... sounds sexy enough right....WRONG....He didn't know I was ticklish and in desperate need of a pedicure. Bad combination, when he touched me leg I roundhouse kicked him to the face and scratched him with my over grown toenail! This time he wants to cry and I am laughing.
Moral to the story kids trying to be sexy is bad for your health!
No Money No Problem!
Considering that we are currently in a recession, I started thinking about all the creative ways some of my friends and I have gotten by when we were dead ass broke.
1. Mariah' s favorite way to get $100 dollars worth of groceries for $15...two word's self check-out line. Thats prolly 3 words. Fuck it.
2. So my first boyfriend after the move back who we will name Scotty played football and he just really need some black socks for the first home football game. Because apparently that's what everyone is going to be looking at. Me personally I look at the guys asses. Well I'm broke and he is broker. So me being the genius that I am go to the clothes section and get about fifty pair of mom jeans and a jean jacket because we all know that denim on denim is so fucking hot (come on all you hicky ranchers that shit is NOT OK) and one pack of socks to take in the dressing room. There is 10 pair of black socks in the pack, and at this point I won't lie I'm sweating my ass off due to the fact that I am a first time sock offender. So I take one pair out put them in my pants creating a dick-ish bump because this was before my purse fetish. Give the lady all the shit back. And run out the store looking like a pre-op tranny. Awkward much? But hey my man got his socks and I got to have a penis for about 2 minutes!
3. Drunk girls can get free food. This story involves different girls so I am going to call them all Becky. We go to the lil fast food joint Becky says sir Ill show you my vadge for a chicken sandwich....bam free food.....We go to the gas station Becky says I will give you my sisters phone number even though you look like a crack head and smell like bacon if you give me and my friends all this shit for free....bam free food......same goes for flashing tits, awkward drunk hugs, shit talking, and any combination of all the things listed. Once my lil sister who from this point on will be called Lexie, even got drunk dressed up and pretended she was Paris Hilton said your hot bitch and got free food. You get the picture, drunk chicks equals free food. WARNING do not attempt if you are a tragic looking gutter whore because you are not getting shit. You are gonna have to give bacon pits head for your burrito.
4. This is an important tip from Mariah and myself take notes. Collect your change. And don't be a fat ass and use it on the dollar menu. This is for emergencies. Have at least 10-15 bucks in your piggy bank. You never know when you are going to need some emergency booze. Because you know your luck, your going to get dumped or stop showing up for work and finally get fired and have no fucking money. Then your going to need to drink, this is when you pull out your change. Mariah and I learned this shit the hard way. We had to dig through everyone's cars every fucking couch, dirty pair of pants, and empty purse one day when we did something really extra stupid. $5.23 well shit that's not gonna fuck up my three year old niece so we had to go to my moms house and raid her piggy bank and this bitch obviously knew the secret cuz we left that joint with $15. The old man at the liquor store doesn't really like it when you hand him a purse full of pennies and dimes to pay for a gallon of vodka but fuck him you need a shot....oh and keep the change ; )
5. The last story is quite possible one of the proudest moments of my life. One day one of my very dear friends who was legitimately packin (let me tell you those are the best kind of friends to have) decided to get friendly for the first time in my car. Well it was not planned and he already had 2 kids by 2 moms and I'm not trying to be lucky number three. So I pull myself together and drive to the gas station. "They are going to have a condom machine. Yeah I have 3 quarters its cool." So I go into the bathroom. "Fuck we are in hicksville no condom machine. Sir? Yes how much are these condoms? $4.76? Can I buy one out of the box? NO? FUCK are you serious. You don't understand. This is an emergency! Sir, I only have 3 quarters and only need one condom If i get pregnant I am going to sue your ass for not having a condom machine in the bathroom!!"........Now this guy works at a gas station making minimum wage which is $5.15 and hour, takes a 5 out of his wallet and pays for my box of condoms and says have fun! "Yes sir, I will."
1. Mariah' s favorite way to get $100 dollars worth of groceries for $15...two word's self check-out line. Thats prolly 3 words. Fuck it.
2. So my first boyfriend after the move back who we will name Scotty played football and he just really need some black socks for the first home football game. Because apparently that's what everyone is going to be looking at. Me personally I look at the guys asses. Well I'm broke and he is broker. So me being the genius that I am go to the clothes section and get about fifty pair of mom jeans and a jean jacket because we all know that denim on denim is so fucking hot (come on all you hicky ranchers that shit is NOT OK) and one pack of socks to take in the dressing room. There is 10 pair of black socks in the pack, and at this point I won't lie I'm sweating my ass off due to the fact that I am a first time sock offender. So I take one pair out put them in my pants creating a dick-ish bump because this was before my purse fetish. Give the lady all the shit back. And run out the store looking like a pre-op tranny. Awkward much? But hey my man got his socks and I got to have a penis for about 2 minutes!
3. Drunk girls can get free food. This story involves different girls so I am going to call them all Becky. We go to the lil fast food joint Becky says sir Ill show you my vadge for a chicken sandwich....bam free food.....We go to the gas station Becky says I will give you my sisters phone number even though you look like a crack head and smell like bacon if you give me and my friends all this shit for free....bam free food......same goes for flashing tits, awkward drunk hugs, shit talking, and any combination of all the things listed. Once my lil sister who from this point on will be called Lexie, even got drunk dressed up and pretended she was Paris Hilton said your hot bitch and got free food. You get the picture, drunk chicks equals free food. WARNING do not attempt if you are a tragic looking gutter whore because you are not getting shit. You are gonna have to give bacon pits head for your burrito.
4. This is an important tip from Mariah and myself take notes. Collect your change. And don't be a fat ass and use it on the dollar menu. This is for emergencies. Have at least 10-15 bucks in your piggy bank. You never know when you are going to need some emergency booze. Because you know your luck, your going to get dumped or stop showing up for work and finally get fired and have no fucking money. Then your going to need to drink, this is when you pull out your change. Mariah and I learned this shit the hard way. We had to dig through everyone's cars every fucking couch, dirty pair of pants, and empty purse one day when we did something really extra stupid. $5.23 well shit that's not gonna fuck up my three year old niece so we had to go to my moms house and raid her piggy bank and this bitch obviously knew the secret cuz we left that joint with $15. The old man at the liquor store doesn't really like it when you hand him a purse full of pennies and dimes to pay for a gallon of vodka but fuck him you need a shot....oh and keep the change ; )
5. The last story is quite possible one of the proudest moments of my life. One day one of my very dear friends who was legitimately packin (let me tell you those are the best kind of friends to have) decided to get friendly for the first time in my car. Well it was not planned and he already had 2 kids by 2 moms and I'm not trying to be lucky number three. So I pull myself together and drive to the gas station. "They are going to have a condom machine. Yeah I have 3 quarters its cool." So I go into the bathroom. "Fuck we are in hicksville no condom machine. Sir? Yes how much are these condoms? $4.76? Can I buy one out of the box? NO? FUCK are you serious. You don't understand. This is an emergency! Sir, I only have 3 quarters and only need one condom If i get pregnant I am going to sue your ass for not having a condom machine in the bathroom!!"........Now this guy works at a gas station making minimum wage which is $5.15 and hour, takes a 5 out of his wallet and pays for my box of condoms and says have fun! "Yes sir, I will."
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Pube Boy
This lil story comes to you circa summer 2007 and I like to file it away in the TRAUMATIZED section of my brain. (Note some names are changed to protect the innocent!) Well it all started when I met my best friend Mariah. Her scumbag burnt ass boyfriend moved her across the country to the middle of hicksville nowhere AKA my hometown from her major metro city only to dump her for an illegal alien who convinced him to marry her for a green card and put my best friend out on the streets. Which at some point I will get to that story in further detail. But I digress. Well being the nice person I am and the bad ass she is, she moved in with me. Now I'm not gonna lie me and her are some bad ass bitches and we had many adventures till she moved back and left me here. This particular story involves an encounter with a young man that we will call Pube Boy. Let me break PB down for ya. Tall, not muscular exactly but not total flub but did kind of have that bitch pooch that girls have, which btw you couldnt see with his clothes on. Played minor league baseball, or so he said. He always had weed and would always smoke us out. His teeth were on the fucked up side, you know the drill lil baby dog snaggle tooth. Which if you know me I don't trust people with small or too fucked up of teeth. Needless to say he was never my favoritest of people but hey......its boring in hicksville. It is also worth noting that we soon found out PB was a thirsty pervert!!!!! Really do you have to send me a text message every single day asking me what color are my panties? Bitch we have gone over the fact I never wear panties quit texting me. Well one day he showed up unnanounced to the crib to swoop up my girl Mariah which she was not having at all....so what does this bitch do.....fake sleep on the couch....winks at me like play along bitch....so of course I do. Well PB is not taking no for an answer and grabs her leg and drags her in to the spare room. Im like bitch you are not a caveman and she is not a slab of meat time to go. So once he leaves we die laughing to the point of tears.....were sitting on the couch and next thing you know who barges in the front door? You got it Pube Boy....we really gotta start locking the door. So mid sentence Mariah plops her ass down like a narcaleptic.zzzzzzzzzzz. How Mariah fake slept through that with out laughing I will never know, but one thing is for sure is the bitch deserves at least a peoples choice award for best actress in a comedy. Well after this night we couldn't get rid of PB. He was coming to the house and cleaning and mowing the yard (our very own Mr. Fucking Belvidere) just to see us hahaha....like I said thirsty. Well one day Mariah and I actually decide we want him to take his pants off right just to see whats he is working with. BAD FUCKING IDEA.....I kid you not his pubes were WAY longer than his dick and swear on a stack of bibles they were straight. Like he took a straightener to that shit or it was possibly a perm! If you are going to perm your pubes you might as well bleach it and sprinkle some glitter down there too sunshine. SHIT. You have got to be kidding me that is not a good look on anyone. A lil hair is alright boo and no hair is better.....but growing a national forrest or looking like you stuck your dick in an electrical outlet is NOT OK!
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