No Money No Problem!

Considering that we are currently in a recession, I started thinking about all the creative ways some of my friends and I have gotten by when we were dead ass broke.

1. Mariah' s favorite way to get $100 dollars worth of groceries for $15...two word's self check-out line. Thats prolly 3 words. Fuck it.

2. So my first boyfriend after the move back who we will name Scotty played football and he just really need some black socks for the first home football game. Because apparently that's what everyone is going to be looking at. Me personally I look at the guys asses. Well I'm broke and he is broker. So me being the genius that I am go to the clothes section and get about fifty pair of mom jeans and a jean jacket because we all know that denim on denim is so fucking hot (come on all you hicky ranchers that shit is NOT OK) and one pack of socks to take in the dressing room. There is 10 pair of black socks in the pack, and at this point I won't lie I'm sweating my ass off due to the fact that I am a first time sock offender. So I take one pair out put them in my pants creating a dick-ish bump because this was before my purse fetish. Give the lady all the shit back. And run out the store looking like a pre-op tranny. Awkward much? But hey my man got his socks and I got to have a penis for about 2 minutes!

3. Drunk girls can get free food. This story involves different girls so I am going to call them all Becky. We go to the lil fast food joint Becky says sir Ill show you my vadge for a chicken sandwich....bam free food.....We go to the gas station Becky says I will give you my sisters phone number even though you look like a crack head and smell like bacon if you give me and my friends all this shit for free....bam free food......same goes for flashing tits, awkward drunk hugs, shit talking, and any combination of all the things listed. Once my lil sister who from this point on will be called Lexie, even got drunk dressed up and pretended she was Paris Hilton said your hot bitch and got free food. You get the picture, drunk chicks equals free food. WARNING do not attempt if you are a tragic looking gutter whore because you are not getting shit. You are gonna have to give bacon pits head for your burrito.

4. This is an important tip from Mariah and myself take notes. Collect your change. And don't be a fat ass and use it on the dollar menu. This is for emergencies. Have at least 10-15 bucks in your piggy bank. You never know when you are going to need some emergency booze. Because you know your luck, your going to get dumped or stop showing up for work and finally get fired and have no fucking money. Then your going to need to drink, this is when you pull out your change. Mariah and I learned this shit the hard way. We had to dig through everyone's cars every fucking couch, dirty pair of pants, and empty purse one day when we did something really extra stupid. $5.23 well shit that's not gonna fuck up my three year old niece so we had to go to my moms house and raid her piggy bank and this bitch obviously knew the secret cuz we left that joint with $15. The old man at the liquor store doesn't really like it when you hand him a purse full of pennies and dimes to pay for a gallon of vodka but fuck him you need a shot....oh and keep the change ; )

5. The last story is quite possible one of the proudest moments of my life. One day one of my very dear friends who was legitimately packin (let me tell you those are the best kind of friends to have) decided to get friendly for the first time in my car. Well it was not planned and he already had 2 kids by 2 moms and I'm not trying to be lucky number three. So I pull myself together and drive to the gas station. "They are going to have a condom machine. Yeah I have 3 quarters its cool." So I go into the bathroom. "Fuck we are in hicksville no condom machine. Sir? Yes how much are these condoms? $4.76? Can I buy one out of the box? NO? FUCK are you serious. You don't understand. This is an emergency! Sir, I only have 3 quarters and only need one condom If i get pregnant I am going to sue your ass for not having a condom machine in the bathroom!!"........Now this guy works at a gas station making minimum wage which is $5.15 and hour, takes a 5 out of his wallet and pays for my box of condoms and says have fun! "Yes sir, I will."